Flegs 2 temp

Introducing our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile Martin Fielder.


Martin was found on Sutton Fields rubbish tip being brought up by some rats. Martin was found and rescued by his father, local pool legend Andy Fielder and raised as best he could. This was limited as Martin "Fleggy" Fielder was well behind with learning, speaking and social skills, scars which we can still see in him today.

Fleggy's early home

Fleggy's Bricknell Avenue home as it is today.

Fleggy gives a home to illegal immigrants and houses masses of them at his Bricknell home charging over a grand a month to human traffickers who import Chinese families and have them set up Marijuana farms at his home. Some are eastern European and import young girls to work in the sex industry. The latest are a family of Iraqis who practise illegal medicines. Fleggy, disgracefully turns a blind eye to these crimes and takes his money every month.

Fleggy enjoys lovely scenery and often likes to admire the view across his hometown of Hull.

Beautiful.

Flegs enjoys other skylines around the country including Yarmouth where he sleeps up in the overhead locker in a caravan. He just loves architecture and takes great interest in the buildings. This one is Huddersfield:

Flegs loves the way the wind whips around the city square.

"It's around £40 in petrol to get to Huddersfield and back

but the sights are amazing" said Fleggy. Yesterday.

A petrol pump. Yesterday.

Fleggy has asked me to do a photo montage of all the things he likes, or has no interest in whatsoever.

Ishanistan's Grifter (pre-customisation)

Mancs bastard. Rooney 8 all the pies? Get it? Ha ha ha ha
That is my greatest joke ever.

Ever. Yesterday.

Told ya so!

Bull Castration Tool.

Saw

Balls.

A place Flegs has never been. Looks like he never will now....

As for pool, Fleggy is absolutely shit. He is fucking rubbish. His claim to fame is winning one frame against Darleys last season and he went and shouted it from the rooftops. Our captain has been trying desperately to find a replacement for him, with Dave Locket even thrown into the ring. Fleggy's respects any player that is better then him, Fleggy said "I respect everyone" yesterday.





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Interview with the Melia, part II

We revisited Terry McDermotts son, Mick Melia for another part in our interview series. We searched all over for about a minute until we found him sat at the bar in Tigers Lair at half nine in the morning. Mick was on his fifth pint.
We bought Mick a drink and sat down.
Alright Mick?
Large.
What would you call a butcher?
Chops chopper.
How would you describe somebody who sells fish?
Haddock merchant.
They go out in boats, but how do people get out to the oil rigs?
Feckin large chopper.
My uncle used to work on the rigs but now he's in a poultry factory, how would you describe him?
Goose chopper.
What would you say to the fat barmaid that's taking ages to pull your pint?
Chop chop feckin moose merchant.
What's fish ribs?
Feckin Haddock chops.
Who sells ducks?
Feckin goose merchant
Who, apart from David, would shag a big elk?
Feckin moose fecker
So what would you call a guy whose son sells poultry, fish and big elks, and he's a butcher who works on the rigs?
Fecking Goose Haddock Moose Feckin Merchant Chops Chopper Feckin Large Chopper Chopper Dad.

Our thanks go to Mick Melia who had a few more pints then went up to Merchant Navy for a few pints then Admiral for a few pints then back to Tigers for a few pints then Ebbo's for a few pints then upto Savile Row for his pool match.
And a few pints.

Join us next week when were recreating old times as were at Dog and Duck in Walkington, with Ishan picking us all up from Spring Bankistan on his Grifter.





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Part One of our End of Season Round-Up...

Happy New Year from Hustlers X to all.  And that.
And welcome, Team Members to our end of year round up, but first some pool news:

PJ has a Snickers after football and feels much better:

"better"

David "seasons" the fucking turkey:

"have some of that, bird"

And, Smokey's sister finally gets to meet our captain David:

"You small cunt" said David.

Yesterday.

In other sport news, Quigs wins the Darts World Championship:

Boooosch

Our end of year awards are here and the first award is "Best Foreigner" which we've had to retitle "Best International" due to racism rules.  And that.  This is a chance for non-caucasian members of the pool scene to have their moment.

In third place was Ishan's Dad who showed us some early pics of Ishan's pool table at home:

"Garlig Yogurd my friend"

Second place goes to JJ Faul, a simply great player and a credit to his country just like Nelson Mandela who fought through apartheid but never once showed his black penis in public.  Maybe he should've:

Well done to JJ as we all know it's hard playing in a 

white dominated sport.  But we really think you should 

change your EPA profile picture though as we can clearly 

see your bald, black, big, bouncing, black balls and we 

really don't want to you black bastard.  But well done.  respec'.

First place goes to Ishan.  Obviously.  This was all building up to this tired and lame "joke".  But fuck it:

"Thankyouplease" said Ishan.

Yesterday.

Dish of the year goes to Fleggs when he managed to get the first THREE YELLOWS after his opponent broke.  So well done to Fleggs there.
He then missed but that not important.

Now it's time for our annual 8-ball trophy presentation.
In third place was Richard Dunham:

"Shit.  Honestly, I'm attached to the door by my belt.  

Please release me without making me look stupid"  Said Richard.

Yesterday.

In second place was..............a great finish.......Rik Owen:

"Where ever I lay my coat, that's my home.....

although I have my coat over my shoulder which is a bit of a let down" 

said Rikchard.

Yesterday.

And in FIRST FUCKING PLACE, brilliant, well done, what more can we say about this man....


......It's Rikchard Owen ham!

Well done to Ric, there.....

Part II tomorrow.............maybe............

Halloween Special

This week we held the annual Halloween fancy dress party in Hustlers.
Paul chose the winners, with the overall best costume receiving £2.40 and a free mixer with any spirit you buy.

In last place was Smokey.  Smokey received 20p and a small bag of sweeties:

Good effort Smokey.

Fourth place was myself, Chris Jubb with a decent effort:

Me as a vampire.  I won 45p for 4th place.

David Hananarahanaranaharahan went as a skeleton, and came 3rd!  David received 70p and a Div III singles runner-up trophy that Fleggy won back in '92:

that's why he's our captain....

In second place and a whopping £1.10 plus free ice in ANY drink was a great effort from Wayne Bristow:

I come straight from hell and I will improve your cue action

But the winner of Hustlers Halloween 2013 Fancy Dress Championship, picking up a huge cheque for £2.40 which will clear in five working days, plus a free mixer with any spirit is......

....MARK JUBB!!

Well done to our kid, Mark Jubb.

David switched positions:

Shut it bitch.

Then he switched back to punish the cow:

You like that don't you bitch?

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Interview with the Melia.

With no game this week we at Hustlers X decided to send our chief  correspondent down to Admiral of the Humber at half nine to get an exclusive interview with one of our newest team members, Mick Melia.

We met Mick in the local Wetherspoons and asked Mick about his time in the game and about his other interests outside of pool.  Here's our exclusive interview:

Morning Mick, how's you?
Alright Dad

We'd like to ask you about your time in pool and some of the players you've played with such as Chris Perko, Karl Wittner and Martin Fieldley but can you tell me first of all who was the best you've ever played with?
Large

Right.  So who was the best player you've ever played against?
Big Chopper

Okay.  So outside of pool you obviously like Liverpool FC.  I see you're wearing one of the shirts now.  What size is that shirt?
Large

I'd like to fire a few quick random questions at you if I can?
Chop chop

Right, here goes, what's your favourite cut of lamb?
Chop

What's your favourite swear word?
Feckin

What's your favourite form of aircraft?
Chopper

How do you take your Jack Daniels?
Large

Do you have turkey at Christmas?
Goose

You used to go in that navy club at the top of Anlaby Road, what was that like and what was it called?
Large.  Merchant.

How do you know Terry McDermott?
Dad

And finally, back to pool, who exactly was the worst player you've ever played with?
Martin Fielder




Thanks to Mick there for an enlightening interview.






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August 8th - Grange away

Dear Team Members, welcome to this weeks newsletter.

In pool news, Smokey puts his cue away in his new novelty cue case:

It's in the shape of a man.

David finds his perfect Chinese restaurant where he can do two things at the same time:

Classy

After his meal, David 'cleans' the table:

"That Foo Yung was fucking LOVELY, cunt"

shouted David.

And, Al Robbie's dad, George, reveals he used to star in spaghetti westerns as a Mexican bandit:

"Hey Amigo, you wanna go watch Hull FC?  They play mighty well, Gringo"

Grange away last week saw us all in Alan Robertson's family vehicle.  The game itself was emotional to say the least with our best player, Rikchard Owenham away in Memphis recording some Motown remixes with Bill Withers and our worstest player, Fleggy, still in retirement.  The game really got going in the 11th frame, with Terry's lad Mick McDermott going to the table with the score at 10-0.  A song came on the jukebox which led to a constant, huge chorus of "Crazy Old Goose" from our team whilst Mick was playing his frame.  The opposition had no idea what was going on.

Then it was our beloved captain's turn.  11-0 up.  Final frame.....


......come on the Grange player.....



.......yes!  He's fucking lost!  11-David final score!  We attacked the opposition player and celebrated wildly with him.  The opposition had no idea what was going on.  Al Robertson took us back to Hustlers only for us to find David fucking us off to go meet his proper mates called "Danny" and, rather suspiciously, "Danny".  He pretended to be going home to Beverley only to ring "Danny" up and state "yeah, 'course I've got a bag".  Mr M Quigley then asked him what was in that secret bag in his secret pocket.

"Polos" said David.

Fucking polos?


It was clear he was turning his back on his team and walked off into the sunset to meet....

.........."Danny"......and....


......"Danny".....with......


.........secret polos.


The questions that remain unanswered are

1)    Who is "Danny"?
2)    Why did he shun the team?
3)    Who is "Danny"?
4)    What was in that secret bag?

I asked my brother Mark Jubb what he thought was in the bag.  He came up with three ideas as to what could be in that secret bag:

Polo?

Polos?

Polo?

I knew it was a bad idea asking my brother Mark Jubb so I then did a Ouija Board and contacted Dave Locket in the afterlife.  His suggestion was a lot more sensible:

"A bag of secret recreational drugs that he didn't want to

share with his pool mates, only with his proper mates Danny and Danny"

said Dave "The Rocket" Locket.

Dog and Duck in Walkington next week lads.  Ishan is setting off early on his beautiful Grifter if anyone wants a lift.  Be outside the Halal Meat mini market on Spring Bankistan about 12.  He's got to drop one of his wives off at the Sari shop but you'll still get there before the match starts.

See you next week lads, David's not coming as he is shunning us again.





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Yellow Card for PJ

PJ has been in touch and he sent me his take on Craaiiiiiig Daaaaavid's 7 days number. 

Oh I've pissed mesen

You know the one.  Anyway, here's PJ's lyrics to the Craaaaiiig Daaaavid song:

I played pool on Monday,
Took her in Hustlers on Tuesday,
I played pool on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we chilled on Sunday.
 I played pool on Monday,
Took her in Hustlers on Tuesday,
I played pool on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we chilled on Sunday.
I played pool on Monday,
Took her in Hustlers on Tuesday,
I played pool on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we chilled on Sunday.

Fuck me, Peej you'll be giving us a bad name!
We at Hustlers X cannot condone this very serious pool behaviour.  Other teams think we are right fucking serious pool heads man and we are fucking not.  We only play for about an hour a week, that is all we're allowed to play.  Our rules.  We're wreck heads.  We are not pool heads.  Some of our team are really good (Richard Owenham) and some of our team are really bad (Martin Feildley) but that is no excuse for getting serious and starting to fucking practice. 

PJ is on a yellow card and if he doesn't stop practising and playing extra-curricula pool then he will have to be replaced by someone like Les who doesn't play.

I'm fucking wrecked and our kid has just claimed top bunk for tonight the big chinned tracky bottom wearing cunt so I'm off.


And he borrows my wank sock the cheeky cunt.

I have a bigger cock than Mark though his balls are slightly bigger than mine overall.

 

Billy's black girlfriend.

It fucked Billy's head up the first night.

Fuck me, it would mine.

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13th July Bumper Issue

Dear Team Members, welcome to this week's newsletter including a mega free gift for every reader!
A bumper edition this week as I (Chris Jubb) have been away shagging slags in Prague and Amsterdam with my brother Marcus.

In pool news Paint Dry Pete shows us a photo of when he was on Bullseye back in '81:

And this is actually what Jim Bowen said to Peter: 

"Well Paint Dry, you need 61 with your last dart,

let's have a look what you could've won.....

....oh it's a speedboat....."

Perky brings out a new Betamax video of his best finishes from the '80s:

 

Only five shillings.

Nick the Brief passes out in Hustlers after 3 pints of wine:

Half eleven a.m.

And PJ still can't find that cue ball up Juicy:

Hello?....hello?......hello?.....hello?....

Can we have our ball back?....back?....back?....back?.....

Hustlers X were at home again this week against Cavalier Club.  We're always at home.  Back to Thursday and it was a bittersweet atmosphere with the welcome return of Rikchard Owenham and the totally unwanted and unwarranted return of fucking Fleggy!  What the fuck was he doing there?  He's retired.  End of.  Nobody ring him anymore.

Unsurprisingly, with Fleggs there, we won 10-2 i.e. we dropped two frames.  Fleggy played two frames.  We lost 2 frames.
Go figure.

Beautiful.

Finish of the Week has to go to Fleggy's opponent with a terrific pot off 3 cushions with a dislodge followed by a launch with dislodge knocking the black over the bag followed by drop-in 8 ball.  What was Fleggs doing leaving game on like that though?

Piss Head of the Week goes to David.  With Q a close second.  There is a distinct lack of entrants into Piss Head of the Week just recently.  It's disgraceful.  PJ, Ishan, Fleggy, and Rikchard you're on a warning.  Any more of this not getting fucking smashed and we might have to start looking for replacements.  Mick is fine at getting drunk, Q is fine and David is still setting a captain's example.  Nick the Brief has asked to join the team.  You have been warned.  And he's better than Fleggs.

Top of the Week goes to Mick's beautiful cut off that Steve Highway gave to his dad, Terry McDermott after the European Cup Final against Borrusia Monchengladbach in '77.

Some merchant big chop.

Yoghurt of the Week goes to Ishan and his harem, with a big shout out to all at Falcon's Kebabs, especially Punjab Tandoori who is in charge of the tandoori funnily enough.  Sad news though, as Ishan is now down to just 13 wives after Aslah, his 14th wife, was beheaded in his homeland for stealing a pomegranate. 

Chalk Launch of the Week goes to Q who pulled off a classic drop-kick-across-the-room-into-the-snooker-players-tracky-bottoms technique followed by a clean of his trainers much to David Hanarahanaraharahanrarahan's amusement.


Don't ever say we at Hustlers don't give you anything:

An Ian Beale mask!

Free for you to print, cut out and wear wherever you want.

 

 



 

We're thinking of moving to Dog and Duck in Walkington, we might as well.  We'll have a vote on Thursday team members.

 

 Gratuitous David Cumshot Pic:

 

 

 

Ha, it's on your fucking nose, cunt.

 

 

Surprisingly, Crown and Anchor in Kilnsea next week lads!  Ishan is setting off on Monday at half ten from Spring Bankistan on his Grifter if anyone needs a lift.  He's doing overnight stops at Hedon, Burstwick and Patrington to get there for half seven on Thursday and he says he can take the full team if needed.

 

See you there....

 

 

 

 

 

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June 23rd Newsletter

Dear team members, welcome to this week's newsletter.

In pool news, Dave Wheeldon is still by the roadside on the way to Yarmouth:

.....and you've never done the double have you fuck.....

Dave Wheeldon's team unveil their new strip for the new season:

....and you've never done the double, you all dress like Barney Rubble....

And in Hustlers, someone reenacts the ridiculous attempt at a plant David tried in Yarmouth in the national finals:

David went on to miss.

His opponent cleared up.

David shook his hand.

David said "Well played mate"

This week saw us kick off the new season with a preliminary cup tie.  AMAZINGLY this is the 18th season in a row we've been drawn in the preliminary round and UNBELIEVABLY it is also the 18th season in a row that we've been drawn at home in the preliminary round!  It's uncanny that the biggest drinking team in the league is drawn at Hustlers every year for this extra game.  It's just uncanny.  Amazing really.  What are the chances?  When Phil had Hustlers, no expense was spared on the draw for the preliminary round of the cup, with Bill and George Pyoobs from Newbridge Club brought in:

Number 27.......Hustlers X..........will play....number 41.....Preston Road Alcoholics...

When Paul took over it went glamourous with Sky and ITV showing the draw live but Paul blew all his budget on Gianfranco Zola and had to get Chinky Bill, Lucky Star's delivery driver, as the other guest:

Number 14.....Hustlers X..........will play......Nummer twenny four....Special Fry Ry...

Good news as we won the game 7-1 with Mick the only shit cunt unlucky loser and more good news as we've been drawn at home in the next round (opponents yet to be decided).


David has taken things a bit far this week.  He saw Comet's latest advert on the television and took matters into his own hands.  Literally.

"Comet?  Fucking right I know where to come bitch.

Now stand up and show me your range of toasters please.

And what's that basket for cunt?"

See you next week.....

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