Introducing our foreign friend, Ishan

Introducing our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile Ishan Sahin.


Ishan was born in Hull in 1988.  He is a normal, friendly white guy and plays pool for Hustlers X.  He lives in Bilton and his Dad grew up on Holderness Road.  Ishan loves nothing more than good old English Fish 'n' Chips and a Beef Roast at his mums on a Sunday.

Ishan's early house.

What?  Is that it?  He got of lightly......












......is that it.....?




























No chance!

Ishan Punjab Isif Akmal Papadopoulos Sahinistan was born in Baghdad in the early 90s.  His father is a wealthy meat trader, his mother a local seamstress.  He then moved to Kurdistan where he worked in a market between the ages of 3 and 6. It was here he received his first Raleigh Boxer for Ramadan. He then moved to Uzbekistan where he developed a love of halal meat and garlic yoghurt, and sold water melons to the local peasants from his stall in the local market. 

 

Ishanistan at his local swimming pool in 1995

His modesty has been spared as he still has tiny genitalia.



 

 

 



Ishan's market stall.

 

 

 

Ishanistan's Raleigh Boxer.

The first step towards his Holy Grail.

 

 

At the age of 10, Ishan moved yet again, this time to Turkey.  Here, he worked on a market stall selling kosher goat meat, no cow and definitely no sacred pig, but of course lots and lots of pots of garlic yogurt.   He would haggle with the western tourists over the price of his goat meat and would surround blonde women tourists with his mates if they wouldn't come and have a look at his stall.  "Garlic Yogurt" he would shout very loudly.  He had moved on from the Boxer to a Raleigh Chopper by now and was already starting to show a big interest in customising the bikes he had.

Not a bad first effort.  Look at his seat! 

As much as he liked his new customised Chopper but soon realised his holy grail was a Raleigh Grifter it became all he really wanted for Ramadan.  He used to go and look in the bike shop near the beheading area and used to gaze longingly at the shiny new bike in the window.  He saved up all his money and managed to put together with his Dad and received a brand new Grifter during Ramadan '98. 

Smart as fuck.

 

At the age of 14, Ishanistan was forced to sell his beloved Grifter to help pay for gifts, as he was forced into an arranged marriage with the daughter of the owner of the local magic carpet store.  Ishan was forced to marry a further 5 times in the next seven years and held his harem at his shelter but all he really wanted was his Grifter back.

 

 

Ishanistan's wives gathering bread to go with their delicious yoghurt.

 

Just last year Ishan and his now seventeen wives moved to Britain, tempted by the massive benefits handed out by our government, plus most houses over here actually have running water and a toilet.  Ishan moved down Spring Bank but soon found that his toilet was facing Mecca, and ordered the council to spend £1400 to move it around.  During renovation, Ishan and his harem were housed in the local Ibis and frequently bumped into a "Mr Smith" who booked rooms by the hour.  This "Mr Smith" was none other than David Hanarahan our pool captain and the two soon began talking and after a while Ishan was invited down for a trial in our team.  We could see immediately that he was already better than Fleggs as he actually hit the right ball he was aiming for.  He was in.

Looking for his pool cue inside Ishan's new house.

Ishan played for Turkey at the recent pool world cup, losing in the first round to bitter rivals Greece.  His father followed him to England and owns Falcons Kebabs on Beverley Road in Hull.  To generate sales, his father has offered to give anybody who plays pool a free medium kebab.  All you have to do is go into Falcon after a pool game, with your cue case and ask for a medium kebab saying you know Ishan.  Ishan's favourite player is JJ Faul, Ishan said via a translator "He's a lot darker than me, but we all sort of stick together so I've got to stick by him."  Thanks to Ishan for the interview there.

Mmmmmmm.....

 

 

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Introducing Peejay Holiday

Introducing our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile PJ Holiday.


PJ Holiday was born in Newcastle in the late 80s and was actually named after the attire his mother wore at the birth.  Good job she didn't have Shitty Kegs on otherwise he'd be called SK which doesn't have the same ring.  His dad is Bank Holiday and his favourite fish is a Dolphin.  Not sure if that counts really Peejay.  Peejay has a younger brother, Deejay, and an older sister, Beejay, who are good at mixing records and fellatio respectively.  Another elder brother is called Veedee and has Syphallus, his older sister, Deejon is....erm....just mustard (that was a good joke).

Deejay, Deejon, Peejay and Veedee's sister Beejay.

Hustlers X breaking news: David has cum.

 

Beejay, Deejon, Veedee and Peejay's brother Deejay pictured

with his main man, Billy Barrett.  Mother Fuckers. 

Yesterday.

 

 

Beejay, Peejay, Deejon, and Deejay's brother,

Veedee just before he fell over the cliff. 

He's a goner 'ere!

Do you get it?

That is probably the worst gag we've ever posted. 

Actually it was quite good if you're as wrecked as me.

 

You best press "PLAY" on this:

I've got something to put in you!

Peejay loves gay bars.  He gets his top off in gay bars.  He receives awards in gay bars.  Topless.  He sends his friends photo evidence of such awards.  He encourages his male friend Ishanistan to also get his top off.  It is pure filth. 

Peejay is an England international and has won everything there is to win, including best hotpants '84 and most fantastic moustache '89.  His favourite player is Ian Kettle, Peejay said "He fucking stinks.  I haven't even given an interview to you lot, you're making it up.  Don't just make it up as you go along."  Thanks to Peejay for the interview.  Yesterday.






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Introducing Martin Fielder

Introducing our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile Martin Fielder.


Martin was found on Sutton Fields rubbish tip being brought up by some rats. Martin was found and rescued by his father, local pool legend Andy Fielder and raised as best he could.  This was limited as Martin "Fleggy" Fielder was well behind with learning, speaking and social skills, scars which we can still see in him today.

Fleggy's early home

 

Fleggy's Bricknell Avenue home as it is today.

Fleggy gives a home to illegal immigrants and houses masses of them at his Bricknell home charging over a grand a month to human traffickers who import Chinese families and have them set up Marijuana farms at his home.  Some are eastern European and import young girls to work in the sex industry.  The latest are a family of Iraqis who practise illegal medicines.  Fleggy, disgracefully turns a blind eye to these crimes and takes his money every month.

Fleggy enjoys lovely scenery and often likes to admire the view across his hometown of Hull. 

Beautiful.
 

Flegs enjoys other skylines around the country including Yarmouth where he sleeps up in the overhead locker in a caravan. 
Fleggy has asked me to do a photo montage of all the things he likes, or has no interest in whatsoever. 

He loves it in there.

Mancs bastard. Rooney 8 all the pies?  Get it?  Ha ha ha ha
That is my greatest joke ever.

Ever.  Yesterday.

Told ya so!

 

Saw

Balls.

A place Flegs has never been.  Looks like he never will now....

As for pool, Fleggy is absolutely shit.  He is fucking rubbish.  His claim to fame is winning one frame against Darleys last season and he went and shouted it from the rooftops.  Our captain has been trying desperately to find a replacement for him, with Dave Locket even thrown into the ring.  Fleggy's respects any player that is better then him, Fleggy said "I respect everyone" yesterday.







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Introducing Mick Melia

Introducing our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile Mick Melia.


Mick was born in Liverpool and is the son of former Liverpool footballer Terry Mcdermott and Cilla Black.  Mick's favourite song is Ferry Across the Mersey by Gerry and the Pacemakers and sings it everywhere he goes, all day long. 

Mick's Dad wearing the actual shirt that Mick comes to pool in.

Mick is a Liverpool FC fan and his favourite player ever is Kenny Dalglish.  Mick has over 400 pictures of Kenny plastered all over the walls at home and states "well big chopper, it saves on wallpaper dunnit?  The cat's not too keen but that's upto her big chopper."  Mick makes a vigil upto Glasgow every Tuesday to sit outside Kenny's house all night trying to catch a glimpse of his hero.  He now owns a restraining order sent by Kenny himself (via solicitors) which he had framed and takes pride of place on his mantlepiece.

Feckin yee agan ye fecken cunt?  Will yee stop sitting

ootside me hoose every feckin Chooosdy ye feckin cunt ye.

Not to be put off by the restraining order, Mick now writes to Kenny every Monday just so it'll reach him by Tuesday.  We got sent a copy of the last one by Kenny which is a poignant poem dedicated to Kenny himself:


Hello there dear Kenny,
I received the order,
And so I framed it,
And showed it my daughter.

I come to your house
Every Tuesday I'm certain,
I creep over your lawn
And look through your curtains.

Although you have banned me,
Dismayed we are not,
I wish you were my father
Instead of Terry Mcdermott.

Love, Mick.



Beautiful.
Kenny then sent us a Christmas card that Mick had made especially for Kenny:

We especially like the Robin, it's a lovely card.

Mick has been playing pool for 62 years now and has achieved everything in the game including being the drunkest player EVER to have won a frame at Yarmouth.  His favourite player is Nick the Brief, Mick says "Well big chopper, big chopper's my favourite player cos he just gets pissed big chopper." 







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Introducing Rich Dunham

Richard Geoffrey Dunham was born in Cliff Richard's house in the early 80s, so his career as a pop singer was set in stone from the off.  He moved to Hull in 1988 and started out on the path to becoming a famous singer/songwriter.  With Elton John, he co-wrote the words to Candle in the Wind that was played at Princess Diana's funeral.  A good friend of Gary Barlow, it was no surprise when he was asked to audition for Take That.  Rich made the final line up but had to refuse the part when he was struck down with several STDs, Robbie Williams taking his place in the band.

Richard mourning Princess Di

Richard Alan Dunham then changed his name by deed poll and if you ever get chance to change your name you're going to change it to something really cool aren't you?  You would wouldn't you?Something super cool like Jimmy Dean or Slick Levi. 

Rich Dunham changed his name to Rik Owen.

Fucking Rik Owen? 


Rich models himself on Nathan out of Brother Beyond and is said to have a framed, signed picture of him on his mantlepiece, given to him by his good friend, George Michael, with whom he co-wrote Careless Whisper in 1984 in the pool room of Rugby Tavern.

Nathan out of Brother Beyond.  Yesterday.

Rich's pop career stalled somewhat after the late eighties and was forced to work as an Elvis impersonator for 15 long years, finally getting his big break when working as a backing vocalist on Enya's Orinoco Flow which went to number 1.  His career record salessince  have topped 1 million, and he has two platinum albums, "The Onion Ring" and "Sexy Time Numbers".  You can buy Rich's DVD "Rik Owen - My Sexual Story" from Amazon at £2.99.

Rik in 1992.  Noticed how most of the audience have their backs to him.

Rich is famed in the pool world for holding the record for most 8-ballers in a season.  Rich/Rik Dunham/Owen won an amazing 67 8-ballers from just 32 frames.  Not bad going at all.  Rich's favourite player is, surprisingly, Martin Fielder, Rich said "Well I just think that watching Martin is just so fucking funny.  I'm a bit of a comic myself and try to incorporate a few jokes into my act, but I can't get anywhere near to how funny that bastard is on the pool table!"  Thanks to Rich interviewed between acts.






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David Hanarahan

Introducing more of our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile David Hanarahan.


David was born in the back of Swallow pub in the late 50s.  He's a tiler and property developer.  David Hanarahanahan gets with vulnerable women through Facebook, sets up home with them, develops their property then simply leaves for the next vulnerable woman on Facebook.  If YOU are a vulnerable woman on Facebook never, under no circumstances, accept a friend request from David Hanarahanraharahan unless you want your feet hanging out of the window in Priory car park.  Or you just want your house doing up.

Beverley's house before sending the dreaded friend request

Beverley's house when David left

David is a spectacular sex pest.  If you are friends with him on Facebook never tell him if you had a math's teacher.  This is his standard line and his first move to get into your knickers.  David Hanarahanraharharaharaharahan now lives back at home with his Dad, John Nutter who played for Stevenage.  John has always been a much better pool player than David and is famed for his head butt whenever anybody speaks to him about pool.  David cums all over Johns house.  All over it.  He can cum at will.  He was just walking through his Dad's living room to cum in the kettle when he went off all over the carpet then curled up in a ball for a post-cum nap.  Being used to this behavior, his Dad didn't bat an eyelid.

David finding out exactly which math's teacher this poor girl had.

David Hanaraharaharaharaharaharaharaharaharaharaharaharaharaharahan is our captain and worst player, obviously apart from Flegs.  David's favourite shot is the tap-in over the pocket and his worst shot is all the others.  David's favourite player is Lee Kendall, David says "I like his nose.  It's a bit like mine if you look at it.  I'd bang his ex-missus as well, that Vicki who's with Mark Selby now.  Fuck me, I would stick it right in her and cum all over that bastard.  I'm off on Facebook to friend request her.  Oh, I've just cum thinking about it.  Nan night"

Thanks to David there for an incredible insight into his pool mind.



Join us again next week when we'll be profiling another of our team.






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Introducing Billy Barrett....

Introducing our pool team, Hustlers X.
This week we profile Billy Barrett.


Billy is just 16 and started playing pool at the age of 4 with his dad Earl Barrett who played for Oldham.  And Villa.  Billy was born in Oldham but moved to Hull when his Dad set up his property business, Barrett Homes.  Billy now lives in a crack den with five of his mates and four crack whores.  Billy loves plant food.  He fucking loves it. 

Billy's new pad.

We had a look around Billy's new pad.  It was an eye-opener to say the least. There was an oven in the kitchen, a pair of scales, some scag, an armchair, some more scag, and a toilet.  We dared to look in Bill's bedroom, and found a Harry Styles out of 1 Direction poster on his bedroom wall.  Billy had comically drawn a penis on Harry, but even more comically, he'd decided in his crazy mind to write the word "goolies" across Harry's forehead.  Good thinking Bill, that's just what everyone else would've done.  Here, have a look:

What a fucking nutcase!

 

 

 

Billy's favourite shot is the stun shot.  His worst shot is check side.
Billy's favourite player is Les Collins, Billy said "I just like the way he hates losing and can smash Fleggy's cue at any moment.  Plus he can get hold of electric toothbrushes if anyone wants one." 
Coming next week, we introduce more of our team, we have a singer/songwriter, two sex pests and an arabic greek turk with an obsession for yoghurt and customising bicycles.............







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